What happened to Tuesday? The FIRST 3 steps of bonding!

Human bonding, the connections that lead to deep, authentic friendship, is something that happens the same way in every culture, everywhere (wow, those are some big "absolutes.").




The amount of "time" spent on each stage can vary, but the first three stages are just basic biology - our 5 senses, our physical bodies, all were made to connect us to each other through these first three steps.


In the past 30 years I've logged more than 10,000 hours meeting with couples and sharing about what builds deep, satisfying friendships. Over and over I find these first "steps" toward human friendship are being neglected. They are SO SIMPLE, so basic, that it's tempting to dismiss them, not take them with needed seriousness: here they are -


FIRST STAGE to human bonding:
1). Eye to body. Yep, that's it! From that little girl in first grade who watches Tommy, until Tommy turns around, we start all friendships by noticing someone. Isn't that profound, life-changing? It is! How many minutes a day do you stop and consciously notice someone you care a great deal about. You'll be surprised at the subtle differences it makes. Your thoughts, priorities, and so much more will get a work-out (think healthy and strong) by this simple exercise. In thirty five years I've seen so much benefit from building the habit (discipline) of noticing others: study others and you'll so much more than just the surface. I try to practice noticing Laura and my little two-year-old granddaughter, Elena, more than any other female (this is essential preventative medicine). People matter, try noticing more!


NON-Paid Personal Bruce Advertisement: Jump over to Bruce's personal blog for a moment - Don't wait another moment to see what Bruce and Laura are doing this Friday night (May 7). Just do it! (LINK)


2). Eye to Eye (Oh, am I ever excited to blog about this later today, tomorrow, or next year - please, please bug me until I do . . . I'm calling out to my 7 faithful readers :).


3) Voice to Voice (Experts, like Donald Joy - top-10 super-bonding researcher, say it takes 1000 hours sharing/listening to really build a friendship that has healthy trust, i.e. commitment and high value.) Logging this thousand hours before going on to steps 4-12 is what helps build the healthy Triangle base Laura and I shared about on Sunday at our campus.


Check back for more: Still to come - "How play first begins in one of the oldest mother-child games of all times!"

Building Friendships with a Team of friends

Everything great, that lasts for a long time, has a team behind it. The smallest "whole" number in the Bible is three (God, someone else, and me)! When Adam was created God left a "space," a pause in a perfect creation so all the angels of heaven could hear the words, "It's not a good thing for Adam to be alone." (Genesis 2:18). These words have been supernaturally preserved so we can read them and know that doing life solo isn't the way to live. Self-reliance can be good but often is a result of being hurt, and our own human way of trying to be safe! Inviting others into our life is one of the ways God brings us back into wholeness.


When we play together, we find ourselves returning to the balance of "being together" more than "just doing." Play, says Mark Twain, can be the same activity, but the conditions are different. I think what "playing" really is - our heart condition celebrates being with those God has brought into our lives. Have you ever played a game that wasn't fun? What took the refreshing, recharging, fun out of it? The condition of our heart will determine if you learn to play together - growing deeper in friendship, or just keep struggling and trying to work it out.

Read Ephesians 4 (note verses 4, then 12-16). We are protected from the storms of life by the various strengths of God's body around us. The goal is a "oneness," a "belonging" that make us family throughout eternity.


Conner's story is one of a family that has built a massive team! They are active helping others build a team too. They have learned to play, that is celebrate being together and accepting the friendship and love God has given. Watch their video and visit the links. Then let what God is doing in their lives cheer you on to ALL He has planned for you. This family is a living legacy that "Being together" will always be more important than any "to do" list we may have! Thank you Sarah for sharing your family's story!

Please bring some Legos to church next week so we can fill up Conner's room with them (it's one of his big dreams).

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Here are a couple links so you can pray, cheer on, and invest in this family: Sarah's blog and Conner's "Caring Bridge" web site.

How to Super-Size a date (with the Love of your life):

1. Adventure (Great, over-night dates should have the element of adventure added) - Adventure is different for every person. Explore what it "looks like" to that special "man" in your life.

2. Romance (Often there are settings and places that naturally add romance) - Both men and women need this, but guys, listen to what is "romantic" to your wife - try that first!

3. Relational checkup (Learning to build your own "relationship statement," like a monthly "bank statement" will keep you from going bankrupt in your friendship). Laura and I have often done the "List 3 things you're glad I've been doing this last month." We also never get tired of making a list of things the other person "adds" to our life and then sharing them over a fantastic dessert (on the coast).

If you don't know how to find adventure or create a romantic setting, try asking someone who does (seek to build a team of experts in all your relationships).

Bonding 1, 2, 3: Introduction

In 1962 Desmond Morris published a book on how humans bond (This study was of people groups all over the world). It stands, even today, as the definitive stufy of how humans bond. The first three stages of human human bonding, friendship, are so simple and natural; we all do them! It's how we meet and connect. And yet after people are in a relationship for a few years they often neglect these three steps of connecting.

Check back on Tuesday for the the simple ways you can keep adding to your friendships. I'll talk through each of these first 3 stages (also: I'll share the way almost all moms first play with their babies - we'll discuss why it's so important, and how the same core principles can be applied to all our friendships). Please check back on Tuesday!

Just for fun: Check out Bruce's blog - "My new running shoes" saga (with pictures:)

This Friday, 7 p.m. - Acoustic Concert by Gordon Avery

April 23, at our East Vancouver Living Hope Campus: Come join us for our Concert, fantastic food, and new art exhibit (one of my favorites). This is a great night out (did I mention it's free?) to spend with friends, or meet new friends!

Gordon Avery, of the band Gordon Avenue, brings his Rock and Roll music into a remix done acoustically - it's mellow, yet still alive, and very much filled with fun variety (Acoustic Rock, hints of Blues and Funk, and some special surprises). Tom Taylor joins him (One very good bass player), along with Tom's son Jeremy (this kid can make a guitar come to life) and others.


The tables, food, and art all work together to create a very relaxing place to hang out. Friends who have never visited Living Hope will enjoy this special evening so send your invitations today!


Have you signed up as a fan of our new Living Hope Church East Vancouver Facebook site yet?


Just for fun: Check out my personal blog (I just posted some of my favorite 3-word prayers) and the "new shoes" I just got fitted with!

How well do you forgive yourself?

• Are you naturally critical of others? Yourself?
• Do you find your never satisfied with "how well you did?"
• Do you find yourself measuring others (their value) by how efficient, effective, and reliable they are?
• Do you feel guilty too much (resulting in either "gritted teeth-try harder" antics or "I give up . . . it's no use resignation)?

Guilt focuses on what we "DO" wrong (or failed to do)! We live in the "should have" or "shouldn't have" shadows of the past.

Guilt can leave us trapped in poisonous regrets. It harms our relationship with others and ourself. But for all the "bad guilt" there's an authentic "good guilt" too!

Good Guilt sets us free from past failures and present "human-falling-shortness!" Because it leads us to see Jesus as our forgiver, forever-friend, and the one who will accept us and change our life! Good guilt takes away the blindness of harmful things we "do" to ourselves and others. But it gives us more hope because instead of trying harder we run to Jesus and let Him love into and out of us!

What kind of guilt do you have right now?

Good guilt helps us ask forgiveness quicker and without excuses (sometimes an "explanation" is "nicer" word for making an excuse). Excuses cancel the powerful freedom of forgiveness!

Question: How quickly do I return to accept God's free forgiveness after messing up? Do I focus, and celebrate my return instead of my fall?

I John 1:9 - Want to be clean and "right" with God? Follow God's plan - confess and then live in forgivenesses freedom!

All of get to choose: We can GIVE UP our guilt or TAKE UP the burden keep dragging it along!

If we hang onto the garbage of guilt we're likely to build a huge compost of SHAME!

Shame scars relationships even more than guilt. Guilt focuses on our "mess-ups," while shame lies to us and says we "are a mess up!"

"Your bad girl."

"Your a bad boy!"

This is a lie and much more painful than a "you did something bad."

Psalm 32 - Don't hide (vs. 3-4). Tell God, confession, that you've believed the lie that your a "mess-up" (v.5). Now live in the freedom! If you fall, fall forward into the arms of Jesus (6,7,11)!

Try reading the story of Peter and his lesson of learning to forgive himself! Luke 22:24-34, 54-62. John 21:1-17

When I believe the shaming lies of Satan I'm left with abandonment. Please come back to this blog for a powerful 3-word prayer that so helps me accept this forgiveness.

Easter at East Vancouver Living Hope - 9 a.m. & 11 a.m.

Wow! This Easter at our local campus is going to be amazing! 9 a.m. & 11 a.m.

• Incredible food
• Revive Espresso Trailer (tell those you invite that you'll buy them a latte or hot drink)
• Wonderful treats for all kids (I just spoke with our Kid's World Leaders & they've got a fantastic program planned)
• Baptisms
• Great music and Easter message

Easter is baptism day. If you've never experienced baptisms at Living Hope, you'll be so glad you did. Watching it is a very cool experience! Every time we have baptisms the stories that are shared are so inspiring; your guests will be so touched and spiritually energized. Can you say it with me, "WOW" Easter is going to be wonderful!

If you're a guest visiting our East Vancouver blog, please just come as you are -you don't have to dress up, stand up, pay up, sign anything, or do anything that might feel embarrassing. You're our guest and we simply want you to relax and enjoy. Just come and experience Easter with us this year.

Bruce and Laura will be at the Westfield Mall (Old Mervyn's building) eith many friends from East Vancouver this Saturday night (5 & 7 p.m.)

Please check back for our 4-D forgiveness blog coming soon (it's an amazing way to set you free to communicate and share better with those you love).

4-D Forgiveness

Forgiveness is something we all need! The most real, life-changing forgiveness is a gift from God. We can't earn it or create it, only accept it as a real gift (Ephesians 1:4-5, 2:1-10).

Forgiveness helps us:

• let go of the garbage of past hurts and regrets
• have courage to keep building deep and lasting friendships
• communicate better (hear the other person's heart)
• keep hoping in the promise that God will never leave us or stop loving us
• live in freedom from bitterness and others' judgments of us.

Looking back is good if it helps you keep looking up!

Here are the 4-D's pastor John and myself have shared with so many people (Using these four steps is a way of spending the time necessary to heal from the hurts of everyday life). Pray through each step. Maybe you'll want to write it all down - then burn or shred it when you're done.

1) Discover who hurt you

2) Define what they took from you (or neglected to give to you)

3) Dispose of the hurt (you don't have to wait until you feel like forgiving - forgiveness is not forgetting; it's choosing to forgive the way Jesus forgave us)

4) Demonstrate God's forgiveness by doing good to others (maybe even the person who hurt you).

If you'd like to read the Cliff Notes of Joseph in the Bible, it's a classic story of forgiveness. I've listed some key verses in the story. It all begins in Genesis 37 and takes a break in chapter 50. Chapter 37:4,23-24 (from hatred to attempted murder); 39:2 (Even in slavery Joe is blessed because "God is with him"); 42:5-8 (Joe doesn't take advantage of an opportunity to even the score with his brothers); 45:5 (An amazing perspective that comes out of forgiveness); and 50:20 (Belief that God takes evil and turns it into good).

What a Week!

Today reminded me of how wonderful the return of Jesus and the New Earth God will create will be - Laura and I were able to slip away to Mt. Hood for an incredible day (Nordic Skiing, an encounter with a Man I've named Richard, and Snowshoeing that was so much fun). Jump over to Bruce's personal blog sight for pictures and the Richard Story - LINK.

Check back on this blog for more on Pastor John's 4-D forgiveness sermon.

Easter is just a week away! This is one of the most important times in all the year to invite your friends to join you at Living Hope. Please invite friends, strangers, anyone you can to join us at East Vancouver Easter Sunday at 9 or 11 a.m.

Here's what they see when they visit our campus:

The brand new "Revive" Coffee trailer will be parked in front of our campus, ready to share some wonderful coffee, tea, and other wonderful treats. Every kid will get a special Easter Gift.

Between the 9 and 11 a.m. service we will have a wonderful spread of treats for everyone who visits us for Easter. We will also have baptisms at both services.

Please spend time this week praying for those you and others are inviting to Easter.